In memory of Dora Attelan z"l
These words were spoken at the close of the shloshim — the thirty days — for Dora Attelan z"l, eshet chayil, akeret habayit, who built her home upon Torah and raised children who walk in that same path.
תנצב"ה
Finding the moment inside the parasha
When we live through an event, the way of Torah is to look for it inside the weekly parasha. Almost always something there mirrors what we are passing through. So I asked: what is the link between Parashat Korach and the shloshim of my wife, which ends this Friday morning?
Korach gathered men and rose against Moshe. His claim sounded noble:
For the entire assembly — all of them — are holy, and Hashem is among them; why then do you raise yourselves above the congregation of Hashem? Bamidbar 16:3The rebellion ran deeper than it seemed. Datan and Aviram, of the tribe of Reuven — Reuven the firstborn — believed the new order had pushed them aside: the service had passed from the firstborn to the Levites, and they felt cast to the back.
The wife who builds: On ben Pelet
One name appears at the start of the rebellion and then vanishes: On ben Pelet. We never hear of him again. The Midrash explains why — he had an extraordinary wife.
She reasoned with him plainly: « Whether Moshe wins or Korach wins, you remain a follower. You gain nothing. Why risk everything for that? » He would not listen. So she gave him wine until he slept. Then she sat at the entrance of their courtyard, uncovered her hair, and combed it in the open. When the men came to fetch her husband, they saw an uncovered head and turned away — they would not enter. On ben Pelet was saved by his wife.
Talmud, Sanhedrin 109b
The wife who destroys: the wife of Korach
Now turn to the other woman. When Korach came home shaved — for the Levites had to shave for their purification — his wife mocked him: « They have humiliated you. » He answered that Moshe had commanded it. She pressed: « And who is Moshe? Perhaps he invents these things. »
She put her own questions in his mouth: if a garment is entirely techelet — all blue — does it still need a thread of tzitzit? If a house is full of Torah scrolls, does it still need a mezuzah? She worked on him until he said: « She is right about everything. » And we know how it ended.
Talmud, Sanhedrin 110a
The wisest of women builds her house, but folly tears it down with her own hands. Mishlei 14:1My wife built me
I can say today, in truth, that my wife built me — just as the wife of On ben Pelet built hers. All my life I studied: in kollelim, in shiurim, with chavrutot, on Shabbat afternoons. She never held me back. She pushed me toward the beith hamidrash.
Once I told her I would gladly have stayed home with her more. She answered: « I know how important this is to you, and I know it brings us blessing. Because I let you go, I know where you are — you are learning Torah. And through that Torah, our children, baruch Hashem, continue in the same way. »
She left a family with an open spirit — not permissive, but open to the world while rooted in Torah. That is the rarest education of all.
He settles the akeret habayit — the foundation of the home — as a joyful mother of children. Halleluyah. Tehillim 113:9Education is behavior, not instruction
The mother is called akeret habayit — from ikar, the essential one. She manages the home in the deepest sense, and she carries the children even more than the father, because to her they are her very flesh.
In our house the children came home from their Jewish school, and the rule was simple: homework first, then we eat. A hungry child could take something small while waiting, but the order never changed. So our children learned to set priorities — and that freed her to do the harder work: education itself.
For education is not giving orders or explaining rules. Education is conduct. It is showing the example. My children were not forced to shul; but every morning they saw a father who rose early and went to what mattered. That is the whole teaching. Recently my son told me: « Papa, it is incredible — I do exactly the same with my children. I do not force them. I let them see what is essential. »
Education has a window — and it closes early
There is a teaching that the deepest formation of a child is set early: around six years for a boy, three for a girl. After that you no longer plant — you tend what has already taken root. And children are not robots; they are thinking beings who watch everything. If we do not do ourselves what we demand of them, we teach them to cheat. If we promise a sweet for finishing their homework and then forget to give it, we teach them to lie and to steal. The agreement between our word and our deed — that is the whole of education.
Even Korach raised children in Torah
We are not dealing with small people here. Korach was a Kohen, a man of wealth, no ordinary figure — these were giants. And remember: Korach's three sons were saved. The Midrash teaches that as the earth opened, a thought of teshuva rose in them; a ledge of earth remained suspended, and upon it they were spared. Even Korach had planted Torah in his children — and that Torah held them when everything else fell away.
It is not study that is the main thing, but the deed. Pirkei Avot 1:17The example is the finest education. If you do not rise in the morning, do not ask your children why they will not go to the beith haknesset.
Words of thanks
I thank the Rav, who gave so much — in the levaya and in the divrei Torah he delivered throughout this month in memory of my wife. And I thank the kahal: your presence has been a true comfort to me.
A closing teaching
It is said that when a person leaves this world they become patur min hamitzvot — free of the commandments. Of course; the departed can no longer act. So why tell us this? Because the living remain obligated — chayavim. And when the living make a bracha, learn a word of Torah, or do a mitzvah, they credit it to the account of the departed.
My wife would remind me, when I told stories on Shabbat: do not forget to make the brachot. So tonight, let us make those brachot for her.
תנצב"ה